Showing posts with label fatherlessness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fatherlessness. Show all posts

Thursday, September 25, 2014

How we justify a market in children

Third-party reproduction inexorably leads to violations of human rights.

Rickard Newman | 25 September 2014



Third-party reproduction is a prism for violations against humanity. IVF and the sperm trade launched a wicked industry that now includes abortion, eugenics, human trafficking, and deliberate family fragmentation.

Last month, news broke about an Australian couple that, after commissioning a Thai surrogate in the creation of twins, left the male twin in Thailand due to his diagnosis of Down syndrome. According to the surrogate mother, when they got the diagnosis, they wanted her to abort, but she refused, carrying the child to term and naming him Gammy. They also demanded a refund. It has furthermore been revealed that the Australian father spent several years in jail for 22 convictions of child sex offenses. The little girl, baby Gammy’s twin, is still in his care.

Later this fall, the UK’s Department of Health will be launching a national sperm bank to “meet demand,” using £77,000 in public funds to effectively subsidize fatherlessness. British women can reduce their child’s father to the conveniently assorted drop-down menu categories of ethnicity, eye color, hair color and education level with just the click of a mouse.

The fertility industry and now legislators are saying “Love is all that matters” and that these children should be grateful that they are so “wanted.” With high rates of infertility and delayed parenthood, almost everyone knows someone who has suffered from involuntary childlessness. While sympathy is due to those who experience this painful struggle, the popular script that veils the inherent evil of third-party reproduction is based on three grave moral errors: materialism, relativism, and consequentialism.

Materialism: “I Have the Right to a Child”
If people are really just things, it is reasonable to assume that those who want the things will take good care of them, while those who don’t want the things are more likely to abuse or neglect them.

Say there is a very lucky teenager whose parents give him a car for his 16th birthday. The teenager is happy about it for a while, but soon enough he neglects to maintain it and wrecks it beyond repair through carelessness and irresponsible behavior. Another teen is not as lucky when it comes to cars. There are no relatives willing or able to bestow such a gift. This person wants a car more than anything else in the world, so he saves for years and even starts an online fundraising campaign to meet the price tag of the car. He proclaims his desire for this item and promises to always and forever take care of it.
Which character do you feel is most entitled to the car and would be a better steward of such a valuable item? What if we switch the car for a child?

Desire equals good stewardship, goes the logic, because it is often true in the context of material things. And when it is not, the worst thing that we end up with is a broken, abandoned thing. But things come from factories, and people come from other people, specifically their mother and father by way of God’s generosity. Removing people from the source of their creation has severe consequences.

When the baby boomers put themselves and their children on the pill faster than they could say “birds and bees,” we inherited both the logic and the mindlessness of the pill. People invert the right not to have a child and conclude that there is also a right to have a child. The result is a marketplace for the commoditized human being. Disposable when unwanted, purchasable when desired.

Relativism: Morality Defined by Desire and Intent  
We are asked to believe that no particular family structure is better than any other. In our culture, there is often not even an understanding of the principle and fact that kids do best when raised by their married biological parents.

Following Stockholm Pride week, I read an op-ed in one of Sweden’s most prominent media sources advocating the redefinition of parenthood. The article was written by a 33-year-old woman and reflects a growing view:
Today it is just the one who gives birth and accounts for the sperm, who is the child’s legal mother and father. The other parent must apply for adoption. It not only reflects an ancient view of parenthood, but also creates an unsafe situation for the new family.
Children’s best interests must continue to be paramount. But why must there be a defining line of two parents? If more adults are prepared to take parental responsibility, it’s just something positive.
People are creating their own moral criteria. Five parents are better than two. Two rich dads are better than one single mom. One single mom who reallywants a child is better than two biological parents accidentally getting pregnant. It is heartbreaking to hear women facing infertility justify their use of different reproductive services. Egg donors don’t matter, it’s the woman who gives birth that is the real mother. Gestational carriers don’t matter, it’s the woman who passes on her genes who is the real mother. Or more bravely, neither the egg donor nor carrier matters, it’s the woman who raises the child alone who matters. Collectively, motherhood itself is degraded.

To understand this mindset, we need to back up a little. People in their 20s and 30s witnessed the breakdown of the family firsthand. Their parents gave up on each other, opted out of marital and parental responsibilities, and left our generation hurt and confused about love. The new solution is that anybody who wants to be a parent should be allowed to be a parent. Intent conquers biology, desire triumphs over nature.

But what if donor-conceived people express their feelings, share their painful stories, and come to different conclusions? Shouldn’t their testimonies be a valuable guide? The counterargument is usually, “All children have problems growing up!” This is followed by an example of a child who grew up in a nuclear family who had issues, or somebody who grew up without a father who went on to become president. Anecdotal exceptions puncture every moral principle. There is no absolute truth, our interlocutors imply, just opinions and different perspectives.

Consequentialism: The Ends Justify the Means
Yet most people will often admit a certain gut feeling telling them that third-party reproduction is not quite right. But since the noble goals are to remedy a type of suffering and to create healthy children, they are willing to look the other way.

And if concerns do surface, the born children are often used as human shields to block any potential criticism of the practices. Indeed, this year Louisiana’s Gary Smith gave state representatives photos of his two children born via surrogacy in an effort to prove the legitimacy of the practice and legalize commercial surrogacy in Louisiana. State reps who otherwise would have voted against the bill said, how am I supposed to vote against Gary’s kids?

In 10 Books That Screwed Up the World: And 5 Others That Didn’t Help, Benjamin Wiker concludes that modern Western history is full of people who have devoured humanity in an attempt to save humanity. In fact, the grander the vision and the more beautiful the goal appears, the greater the temptation is to do the most horrific things.

Marx, Hitler, and Margaret Sanger all dreamed of a world where mankind would be free from disease and social ills, but in their attempts to get there, millions suffered and died. Today, we overlook the abortive, eugenic, inhumane, and family-fragmenting effects of third-party reproduction, letting ourselves be dazzled by the images of smiling commercially conceived kids.

The utopian vision is a world in which the individual can have sex and babies with all the perks of pleasure and genetic immortality but without any risks or sacrifices. A world where individuals may defy nature itself whether limited by age, partner status, or sexual orientation, to have the perfect children of their choice.

How many more people must be sacrificed, physically and emotionally, before we understand that this utopia too is unachievable? Baby Gammy is not the first and will not be the last tragedy that results from a marketplace that buys and sells children.

Rickard Newman is the Director of Family Life, Pro-Life & Child and Youth Protection in the Diocese of Lake Charles. He is also the Campaign Manager of The Anonymous Us Project. This essay has been republished with permission from Public Discourse, a MercatorNet partner site. 

This article is published by Rickard Newman and MercatorNet.com under a Creative Commons license. You may republish it or translate it free of charge with attribution for non-commercial purposes following these guidelines. If you teach at a university we ask that your department make a donation. Commercial media must contact us for permission and fees. Some articles on this site are published under different terms.

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Sunday, June 16, 2013

Fatherhood, Marriage, Faith, and Family: Father’s Day Thoughts 2013


Paul Adams

All the young families at Mass today, together with our new young parish priest and several other spiritual fathers, made vividly present to me the links among fatherhood, marriage, faith, and family.  

Fatherhood and marriage
Marriage created fatherhood. Not biologically, of course.  When men mate, most will sooner or later become fathers.  All of us alive and dead had a father.  But not all our fathers were married or stayed married.  Marriage creates fatherhood as a social role, in the sense of a male caring for children he knows to be his (see Miller, 2000 on “The Troubled Dawn of Fatherhood”), a sense unknown to our closest kin, the chimpanzees.  This was the explicit aim of marriage law from the very earliest known legal codes in Mesopotamia, which concerned themselves mostly with marriage, its nature, rights, and obligations. Their point was to give to the child the mother and father who made the child. They created fatherhood, so to speak, with the stroke of a pen.

Marriage is the institution through which one generation sacrifices itself for the next.  It is the institution that binds fathers to their own children.  It is the institution that enables and supports a man’s decision, as between the choices all males face, to be a protector rather than a predator.

Faith and family
As Mary Eberstadt compellingly argues, there is an intimate and complex tie between faith and family.  Not only do the religiously observant have more children, but couples with more children are more likely to be or become religious.  Children drive their parents to church.  Christianity, in particular, with its God as Father, its Holy Family, is hard to comprehend in the absence of a natural father who loves and protects, guides and corrects.  Where such fathers are rare in the experience of communities, Christianity atrophies. Christianity and the natural family rise and fall together.

In our community of Ave Maria, we see fatherhood, marriage, faith and family, thriving together and supporting each other.  This has, of course, ceased to be the norm in the larger society in the West.  Even a place like this is not immune to the anti-family, anti-marriage, secularizing influences expressed in explicit promotion of the sexual revolution and all that attends it as official government ideology - the new state religion.  Or in the ubiquity of internet pornography.  Each in its way delinks sex from marriage and both from children.  It is astonishing to me now to see how openly a show like Frasier, not to mention Seinfeld or Sex and the City, promoted casual sex as normal, morally acceptable, and healthy, as well as how minimal (exiguous to the point of nullity) a role children play in their individualistic ideology of sexual expressionism.  

Strong faith and large families are the norm here, but for some of us, myself included, it was only, in Hegel’s metaphor, with the coming of the dusk that the owl of Minerva spread its wings and took flight.  And no-one imagines that even the young who grow up or study in this community are uniformly virtuous.

There is any case, no utopia on earth - the very etymology of the term, coined by St. Thomas More in 1516, tells us that there is no such place.  We fathers are, in the English understatement, no better than we should be.  Our efforts to do the best by our families are shaped, enabled and constrained by the community of faith and family life around us - and the wider pressures of media and government that impinge on it.

Fatherhood, we are reminded today, is a social role shaped by the experience of millennia.  It is created by and tied to marriage and to faith.  The results of breaking those links are disastrous - the social and personal costs of fatherlessness in our society are staggering.  We are reaping what the sexual revolution in its myriad social, legal, and ideological expressions sowed.  The weakening of the links among marriage, sex, and fatherhood has affected even the way we define and conceptualize marriage.  This is apparent in the widespread tendency to reduce our concept of marriage to a kind of Hallmark card sentiment, having to do with the feelings of love and commitment between two adults (so long as the feelings last), but nothing intrinsically to do with sex, sexual complementarity, or children.

Walking the Way
Last month I walked the Camino de Santiago from Sarria to Santiago de Compostela in northern Spain with my adult daughter (see the blog posts here - working from last, April 26, to most recent, June 10).  Others we met on pilgrimage also undertook the journey at least in part as a time for family bonding.  The father-child theme is at the center of the The Way, the film by the father-son team of Sheen-Estevez.  It is also the heart of the best recent writing I have seen on the Camino, about another father-daughter team, ten years younger than us, who made the pilgrimage last year.  The father blogged the experience from start to finish along the whole of the longest, French route - see Webster Bull’s vivid and inspiring narrative - now an e-book and to be developed into a memoir.

The Camino continues to be, as it has been for more than a thousand years, many things - religious, spiritual, cultural, even athletic - to many people.  But for some of us it serves as a time of respite, of healing or convalescence.  Even without the personal drama and intensities of the movie, it is a time of restoring or rebuilding or sustaining those bonds of family and fatherhood that time along with other demands and pressures, competing ideological tendencies, and the mad, dehumanizing pace of our mundane lives, as well as our own fallen natures, vices, and follies, has weakened.



Saturday, June 15, 2013

Fatherhood and the Social Cost of Fatherless Families


Fewer marriages, fewer fathers

With Father’s Day being celebrated this weekend in the US, Bradford Wilcox has a very relevant and timely piece at The National Review Happy Fatherless Day. He highlights the importance of fatherhood and the social cost of fatherless families:

In our public conversation about how best to accommodate today’s family diversity, what usually goes unsaid is that fewer marriages also means fewer fathers in our nation’s homes.

That is because marriage is the institution that binds men to their children. There is no substitute. Cohabiting couples with children are much more likely to end up on the rocks than their married peers (even in Sweden). Divorced and never-married fathers often have difficulty getting or making the time to stay in regular contact with their children once the relationship with the mother of their child is over. By contrast, fathers who are married to the mother of their children are much more likely to enjoy the day-in-day-out relationships with their children that enable them to give their kids the attention, discipline, and affection they need to thrive.

This comes amidst the soon to be released study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology finding that the absence of fathers tends to result in more risky sexual activity among teenage girls.

Marriage is the only institution that binds men to their children. If a child is raised inside of a marriage, as it is currently defined, then that child will necessarily have access to a father. This is an important social reality that needs to be recognized and encouraged.

This article is published by Blaise Joseph and MercatorNet.com under a Creative Commons license and reposted here under its terms. You may republish it or translate it free of charge with attribution for non-commercial purposes following these guidelines. If you teach at a university we ask that your department make a donation. Commercial media must contact them for permission and fees. Some articles on their site are published under different terms.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Dads, Don't Go

Joe Carter
June 25, 2010

“Are fathers necessary?” asks Pamela Paul in the latest issue of The Atlantic. That she considers the question worth asking is a clue to how the article will conclude: “there’s nothing objectively essential about his contribution.”

Published just before Father’s Day, it would be easy to dismiss such cheap contrarianism as an attention-getting stunt. (The empirical claims presented in Paul’s article—and the research it was based on—have been adequately rebutted. W. Bradford Wilcox and others have already pointed out that most of the studies relied upon small, unrepresentative samples of same-sex and heterosexual couples.) But the fact remains that in America we act as if fathers are unnecessary. We enjoy a fit of pique when Heather has two full-time mommies, yet only respond with a sad shrug when Heather has one part-time daddy. But if fathers are necessary, they have to be completely involved in the lives of their children—and living at home with their children’s mothers.

As David Blankenhorn notes in Fatherless America: Confronting Our Most Urgent Social Problem, “The evidence shows that the great majority of visiting fathers are not—indeed, cannot be—good-enough fathers to their children. The deck is stacked against them. Too much has changed, too fast; too much will continue to change.” In theory, he continues, it may be possible to restructure everything else about a family while maintaining fatherhood as a constant. In practice, it is hardly ever possible. Visiting fathers have lost the bases of fatherhood. As Bronislaw Malinowski put it in his classic cross-cultural analysis of parenthood, “the child is linked to both its parents by the unity of the household and by the intimacy of daily contacts.” But for the Visiting Father, both aspects of this linkage are irrevocably shattered.
I first read that passage in 1995, the year I myself became a “weekend dad.” In February my wife told me she was gay. In March she left our home and took my daughter with her.

At the time I was on recruiting duty for the Marine Corps, on an unforgiving assignment that required working fourteen-hour days, six days a week. I could only see my little girl on Sundays after making the ninety-mile trek from Olympia to Everett, where my soon-to-be-ex-wife had moved.

I’d pick up my two-year-old daughter, strap her into the car seat, and we’d set out on our weekend routine: to the park, if it was sunny and warm; to the play-land at McDonalds if it was rainy and cold. (In Everett, it is always rainy and always cold.)

Over the next several years, I was the one who moved—to Japan, San Diego, Dallas, Chicago, and Washington, D.C. I went from being “weekend dad” to being “summer-and-holiday dad.” Through it all I tried my best to be a “good-enough father.”

A few years ago I met Blakenhorn and talked to him about his book. I wanted to tell him that he was wrong. I wanted to tell him the base isn’t always lost and that the linkage is not always shattered. I wanted to tell him that it was indeed possible—because I was one—to be a “good-enough father.”

But it isn’t true. As much as I wanted to believe otherwise, Fatherless America was devastatingly prescient about my own experience as a “visiting father.” My experience was one more data point in the reams of empirical studies that show what millions of part-time dads before me have learned: Our children always need more than we can give them in a few weekend hours.

Of course, visiting fathers aren’t the only ones aware of the damage being done to our country’s children. Almost everyone acknowledge the harm in treating dad as if there is “nothing objectively essential about his contribution.”

Yet if we’re too specific, too personal, we may offend some poor hapless father who is doing the best he can. And who are we to judge any individual’s family situation? America’s true religion—unfettered individualism—requires that we find some way to justify everyone’s choice and ignore or play down the damage that results from such choices.

Although it is tempting to join in bending a knee to the cult of individualism (I’m an American, after all), I want to take a different approach. I want to directly address the specific, narrow audience who can do more than anyone else to change this destructive cycle. I want to make a policy proposal to the fathers who are on the verge of leaving their families.

As with all policy proposals, certain assumptions must be shared before agreement can be reached. My proposal is based on a simple argument: When your first child is born, your life stops being about what you want and starts being about what they need. If you disagree, you can stop reading now.

Here is the only way to fix the problem of fatherlessness: You must find a way to stay with your children. You may be having a tough time in your marriage. You may be thinking that you no longer love or can live with your spouse. You may believe that divorce is the only remaining option.

I don’t know your situation. I don’t know what you are going through. I only know that your children need you at home. Your sons and your daughters need your presence. They need you around, all the time, and not just for regularly scheduled visits. If you want to be a good father, don’t leave your children.

I’m fully aware that such a suggestion will be unpopular and that it will be deemed impractical. Our society tells us that you shouldn’t “stay together just for the kids.” Some social scientists will tell us that staying in an unhappy marriage will hurt the kids. Our culture tells us that progress has made fatherhood a vestigial artifact. Our hearts tell us that we deserve to pursue our own bliss. Even our churches can tell us that marriage is about being happy and that we deserve to be happy no matter what.

But again: When your first child is born, your life stops being about what you want and starts being about what they need. They need you at home. If you’re a good man and aspire to be a good father, that is all you need to know.

If your wife is physically abusive to you and the children, you need to get out—and take your kids with you. Otherwise you stick it out, and try to love your wife in every way possible. Maybe the marriage will heal (they sometimes do). Maybe it won’t. It doesn’t matter. If you have to stay in your marriage for one year or for eighteen, you stick it out until your children are grown.

What do you do, though, if you’re wife wants a divorce? You beg her to stay. You change what you have to change. You use guilt if necessary, and try to get her to “think about what is best for the kids.”

If nothing else works, then you ask her to commit to six months of marital counseling before she files for divorce. If at the end of the six months she’s still resolved to end the marriage you ask for another six months. You keep asking for as long as it takes. You may lose the fight eventually, but if you’re a man you will not give up on your family until you are bloodied and broken.

Don’t kid yourself that your divorce will be different because you have a good relationship with your children’s mother. My ex-wife has become a dear friend and a superb partner in parenting. Despite the peculiar circumstance that ended our marriage, I couldn’t ask for a more thoughtful, accommodating woman to be my former spouse.

But as hard as we work to make it easier on our daughter, everything we can do is not enough. Even though my daughter has lived with me for the past couple of years, her being with me hasn’t changed the fact that our child lives in a house where one of her parents is missing. Divorce doesn’t just end a marriage—it ends a family.

By now I’ve lost almost everyone who has followed me this far. Most people will pity my naivete or denounce my blanket recommendation as insensitive and idiotic. So be it. It may not even be the type of argument that we can comprehend in our individualistic culture. We’ve become so accustomed to politically-oriented solutions for societal problems that we’ve forgotten that sometimes the only way to fix what we’ve broken is by individuals making tough choices. In this situation, there is no other way.

I can’t convince everyone, of course, but my hope is that there is at least one father left—even just one—who will seriously consider what I’m saying. I hope that he will go into his child’s room tonight and watch them while they sleep. I hope that he will think about what it means to his babies that he is there for them when they go to bed and that he is there for them when they wake up.

Finally, I hope he’ll realize he has the power to retain a precious gift that we visiting fathers have lost and that we can never get back. He still has the opportunity to be a good father.

Joe Carter is web editor of First Things.
Retrieved June 24, 2010 from http://www.firstthings.com/onthesquare/2010/06/dads-donrsquot-go


More about fatherhood:

Pamela Paul (2010). Are fathers necessary? http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2010/07/are-fathers-necessary/8136/

W. Bradford Wilcox (2010). Are fathers really fungible? http://familyscholars.org/2010/06/14/are-fathers-really-fungible/

Andersson, Gunnar, 1962-
Noack, Turid.
Seierstad, Ane.
Weedon-Fekjaer, Harald.
The Demographics of Same-Sex Marriages in Norway and Sweden
Demography - Volume 43, Number 1, February 2006, pp. 79-98
Abstract at:

The present study investigates the demographics of same-sex marriages—that is, registered partnerships—in Norway and Sweden. We give an overview of the demographic characteristics of the spouses of these partnerships, study patterns of their divorce risks, and compare the dynamics of same-sex couples with those of heterosexual marriages. We use longitudinal information from the population registers of the two countries that cover all persons in partnerships. Our demographic analyses include information on characteristics such as age, sex, geographic background, experience of previous opposite-sex marriage, parenthood, and educational attainment of the partners involved. The results show that in many respects, the distributions of married populations on these characteristics differ by the sex composition of the couples. Patterns in divorce risks are rather similar in same-sex and opposite-sex marriages, but divorce-risk levels are considerably higher in same-sex marriages. The divorce risk for female partnerships is double that for male partnerships.

W. Bradford Wilcox (2009, April 13). To Have, to Hold, For a While
Amid divorce, remarriage and co-habitation, children do not do well.
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123958524728412435.html

http://www.catholiceducation.org/articles/parenting/pa0140.htm
http://center.americanvalues.org/?p=78
http://www.firstthings.com/onthesquare/2009/06/on-the-demise-of-fatherhood
Fatherless America: Confronting Our Most Urgent Social Problem